


Secrets

by Srututu_Banana



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Childhood Friends, Established Relationship, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Growing Up, Headcanon, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Relationship, Puberty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 20:21:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15781416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Srututu_Banana/pseuds/Srututu_Banana
Summary: A journey through things Finland decided to keep in secrecy in different moments of his life.





	Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> All of the scenes are in the chronological order, the first one being pre-christian, the fourth taking place relatively shortly after the WW2 and the last one concerning the most recent times.  
> Toivo is Finland's old name. Viro/Eduard is Estonia.  
> I hope you'll enjoy the story even if it is not so happy.

1.  
This girl had a big smile and a lot of freckles on her nose, she laughed very loudly and she could spit far farther than the other kids in the village. Naturally, Toivo liked her the most.  
After the winter passed the days became warm again, the winter roads melted, the summer roads were just mud after the ice had turned into water. When it was sunny and warm enough Toivo found a snake, a nice one, the nicest he could pick. He brought it to the girl he liked the most and handed it to her. She didn’t scream or run away because there was a reason behind their mutual sympathy – the similarity of the interests.  
After that he began to warden again and never found the road to her village again.  
That was just an episode he told nobody about but instead he kept it in his mind, remembering it vividly even after years. His first, innocent affection.  
2.  
Puberty is never the nicest thing in the world. It is far enough of it even if it lasts just a few years but when the one’s lifespan can be counted in ages, the whole thing stretches into some unbearable, overly-long episode of life.  
Enough to be said, Timo didn’t enjoy it and deeply wished it soon to be over.  
In general, there were both the good things and the bad things. He was slowly but steadily getting taller. He silently hoped to beat Sweden in that field one day but it was mostly just the mere hope. However, it meant that when he was waking up his legs felt sometimes as if some unnamed force had been trying to pull him down into the swamp for all night long. On different occasions he just couldn’t fall asleep because of the pain.  
He liked the way his shoulders were becoming broader but it startled him when he saw his silhouette for the first time in months and it was almost as if he was looking at a different person. But for the most part it wasn’t even a problem as he wasn’t the one actually staring at himself for all days.  
Unfortunately, he could hear his voice perfectly clear and that was a pure nightmare. It was cracking like ice on the river when the spring comes. No, worse, it was cracking as if he was given two different voices and some moody god was constantly switching them from one to another. In one moment he was speaking in this strange, foreign "deep-voice" and just a second afterwards it reached some unspoken high-pitched level he had never wanted to achieve in the first place.  
But even if he managed to fall asleep despite his legs hurting as hell, the worst part was just awaiting him behind his closed eyelids as soon as he was able to happily drift to the land of sleep.  
Probably it wouldn’t be that bad if he hadn’t remembered this. But unfortunately for him – usually he could recall it quite easily. For the most part all of it made him just quite embarrassed, he was really grateful that the certain ladies couldn’t read his mind. They would not approve the role in which they had been appearing in his dream.  
However, that was this one time, or maybe two times, when Finland felt an utter horror after the awakening. He was relived beyond belief that they had already stepped of the path of the catholic church and that there was no need for him to go to the personal, whispered, mouth-to-ear confession. Nobody had to know anything. And if he didn’t think about it too much, it was like it hadn’t really happened.  
Besides, there was just one more good thing in this whole situation: the funny, completely surprised look Sweden gave Finland while seeing him for the first time after several years and not recognizing immediately. Timo hadn’t even known before that Bernhard's face could actually do _that_ kind of expression.  
Unfortunately, the pink bubble of self-satisfaction burst the exact moment Finland tried to greet Sweden properly and opened his mouth to let out something which could be classified only as a very dramatic impression of out-of-tune instrument.  
3.  
The air was buzzing pleasantly, or at least it was what Timo was feeling due to the beer he had drunken. The other, equally possible option was that the hordes of mosquitoes should be given the credit for all these sounds. Or maybe, it was both the Finn’s state of mind and the insects.  
State of mind? State of body? Who knows, Timo was sure he could feel not only his toes and cheeks warming up but also the soul itself. The thoughts weren’t to be trusted either at the moment.  
There was the fire, not anymore the moving column of sparks and heat, but only the tamed, yellow flame and a handful of embers. Finland and Estonia were sitting by it next to each other.  
Timo’s heart couldn’t be more heavy.  
It shouldn’t be like that. He didn’t want it to turn out this way. But it did. All he expected was to loosen up a little bit. He was meeting Viro after all. They used to be so close. Finland remembered that sometimes they even didn’t have to speak to understand each other. One look, one smile, one gesture was all they needed. But not anymore. So he got a little bit drunk and a little bit sad because of this discovery.  
“You’ve gotten silent,’’ Eduard commented. He, on the other hand, looked perfectly relaxed, his eyes reflecting the firelight, his lips curved into a lazy smile. “Don’t fly away from me, Timo, I have no wings to catch you,’’ he added. He had been also drinking before but his speech was mostly coherent and maybe only slightly unfocused and over-the top from time to time.  
Finland forced a smile onto his lips.  
“I was only, you know, well, I guess, thinking. Just a little bit.’’  
"Just a little-little bit?” asked Eduard jokingly, winking.  
Timo laughed without any humor. He was wondering if the other one could hear it. Could he or couldn’t? Or could and didn’t care?  
“Is there, maybe, something like… well, what you would like to change about yourself?” This was not the exact question Timo wanted to ask but he had to test the water firstly.  
Eduard looked into the flames and up to the sky, he made out a loud ‘’hmm’’. It was far too theatrical for Finland’s taste at the moment. He didn’t really feel like joking.  
"I’d have your eyes instead of mine if I was up to choose’’ he decided. ‘’You can see the fly sitting on the top of the bell-tower.’’ There was certainly some exaggeration in it but not as much as it could have been.  
“If I see a fly sitting on the top of the bell-tower it must obviously be a horse-size fly.’’ Timo scratched his nose. He felt as if he was losing something. He had been waiting for so long for this conversation, imagining how it would go. He was planning what to say, what to do, how to get a private place to talk. He was waiting for hours for the celebration to end, for the people to go away and fall asleep. And yet now everything just went so wrong.  
It was all about the Thing that was eating him from the inside for years and years. And he _desperately_ needed to talk with somebody about it. But as much as he was yearning for it, he was also feeling the fear clenching on his heart.  
What was he going to say, after all? “Hey, I think I might be some a little bit of a sodomite. Little-little bit, as you’ve said. A half-sodomite.”  
He would laugh at it if he wasn’t feeling so down.  
Because the problem was that he wasn’t even completely sure about anything. For example: he knew that he liked women, in general. He had some crushes, which consisted mostly of blushing, eye-contact avoiding and not-actually-telling-anything because he wasn’t the best catch after all. No good husband material out of somebody who couldn’t get married. But on the other hand… sometimes there was a one, particular man Timo saw in a way he really shouldn’t have seen another male. And maybe once or twice he got just too drunk and too emotional and afterwards he felt more ashamed than ever. However, every time something like that happened – the moment he reassured he still found women attractive made him skeptical about ‘’the episode of madness’’ he had had before.  
He wished to talk about it and Eduard was his oldest friend. This also meant that Timo cared about his opinion, which was making it all complicated beyond any proper norms.  
Gazing at his happy, content, clueless friend Finland decided there was no way he could actually spit out what had been bothering him for such a long time. They had drifted too far from each other.  
Maybe, maybe it was for good. The mere thoughts could be sins so, in fact, he didn’t need any reassurance – he was aware he was going straight to hell nevertheless.  
4.  
The yellow curtains were shut almost perfectly, only the one, lonely stream of sunlight slipped through the thin crack. Naturally, the ray stabbed Timo directly in the eye as soon as he woke up.  
He frowned and closed his eyelids immediately chasing the quickly escaping dream. He didn’t succeed. The sleep was long gone, his mind was already almost fully awaken – thoughts quick and sharp as ever.  
The light filtrated through the curtains painted the room in warm, honey colour which made Timo see red even with his eyes closed.  
Actually, there were a few other closed things at the flat right now. Besides the curtains and the Finland’s eyes, both the bathroom and the front doors could be counted. Also, if one wanted to be extremely scrupulous, it would be added that there was currently a pale Sweden’s arm closing on Timo at the moment.  
It wasn’t that bad.  
Even if they both were still bearing the weight of the last Great War on their shoulders and all had to be kept in secret, covered by the dark night, mouth-to-ear whispers and confessions – it was anything but bad.  
There were some rules, naturally. This small affair needed to be buried under as much dry formality as possible. Timo didn’t really needed the police bursting through the door one day and the whole interrogation which would certainly come afterwards. He didn’t want troubles and his long-shaped sense of discreet was paying off. He could keep things private and he was definitely able to avoid troubles. Most importantly – he knew when to put some nice tango on the record player.  
Visits from an old friend weren’t yet a crime, after all. And they did have some business together. The fact that there was something more to this was just another thing.  
Some indistinct sounds could be heard and the arm pining Timo to the mattress disappeared. Finland turned around, hearing the bed creaking, the sun wasn’t any threat this way, so he opened his eyes  
Sweden was rubbing the bridge of his nose with a very concentrated look on his face, however, telling the truth, it wasn’t exactly a rare expression for him.  
“Hey,’’ he said, voice low.  
“Hey,’’ Timo whispered back. “I dreamt that you had missed the ferry and swam beck to Sweden on a giant herring.’’  
“Sounds more like you.’’  
“We’ll see when you’ll miss the ferry.’’  
“Hm.’’  
Timo smiled and even if it were only the walls that were honey-like at the moment, he was the one who felt his heart melting.

5.  
“Any idea where did I put my tie? I just… had it in my hand a moment ago.’’ Finland was presenting his usual level of disorganization. Sometimes Sweden believed that the only things Timo didn’t mess up was his hunting equipment. But maybe Bernhard just hoped so not to be worried of finding some cartridges in the kitchen sink or under the bed.  
Sweden gave Timo a look and nodded in the direction of the nearby chair. The tie was laying there dramatically like a blue, silk serpent.  
“Ah, thanks! Of course. I’ll lose my head one day…’’ Finland giggled shortly. It sounded terribly forced.  
"You’re nervous,’’ Bernhard observed.  
The Finn made a vogue gesture and tried to grab the tie but it slipped on the floor. Sweden reached for it instantly but Timo was quicker. He held the piece of cloth with a determination not usually reserved for stuff of this kind. Bernhard almost expected it to burst into flames.  
"I can stay at home,’’ he offered. ‘’We could try another time.’’  
Timo made a very serious face, his lips turning into a thin line.  
“I keep my promises, Bernhard,’’ he said officially, tying up the tie.  
Sweden raised the eyebrow.  
"…every time you say you’ll never drink again.’’  
"I keep my _serious, true promises_ , mister Oxenstierna.’’ He looked offended which was making him seem as dangerous as an angry Maltese dog. “Besides, I’ve already said I’m coming with somebody. They need to drag another chair for you from the spooky storage so you have to show up. So, are you ready?’’  
“Hmm.”  
“I take it as ‘yes’.’’  
"There will be other people, Timo.’’  
“Yeah, I am aware of it.’’  
"I will hold your hand.’’  
“I hope so! I’m not dragging you there to roam the room a meter apart.”  
Sweden nodded but still seemed to be a little bit skeptical. Before that they had a talk, not just one talk, but talks after talks. Sometimes arguments. Old habits die hard and Finland wasn’t used to being so open about his private life. But he declared he wanted to bring it to an and. No more Secret, the Secret.  
"All right,’’ finally he said.  
“By the way, I have an excuse to punch somebody in the face if they say anything.’’ This was one of these moments when Sweden wasn’t really sure if Finland was joking.  
"Like ‘hello’?”  
"You sound like _you_ need a punch.’’  
Sweden smirked.  
“ I need, with your mouth.’’  
The expression Timo made was priceless.  
“Well… I guess you need to earn it.’’ There was a spark of humor in his eyes.  
“I can wait. Let’s go than?”  
“Yeah, we’ll nail it!’’  
Finland smiled, not only with his mouth but also with his eyes. And he thought that maybe it was possible for a heart to become a little bit lighter because he certainly felt that way.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I managed to show Finland's emotional and identity struggle as he didn't even know how to classify himself.  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
